Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
