Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
