Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
