So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
