Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
