I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
