i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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