i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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