im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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