Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
