I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize