So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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