I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
