Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
