Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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