last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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