I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
