You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
