I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
