Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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