If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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