i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
