how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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