found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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