$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
