Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
