My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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