you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize