A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
