Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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