I cannot find my penis.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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