3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
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He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
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Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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