I swear she didn't look like that last week.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
