can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
