Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
