Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
