just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
