She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
