"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
