Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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