I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
