I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
