I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
