I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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