Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
