I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
