No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
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Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
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I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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