Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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