oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
