I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
