If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
