Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
