Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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