Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
