i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she looked like the before picture.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
