who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
