I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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