i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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