I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
