Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.