we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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