i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
