last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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