ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
