I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
we're so committed to being not committed
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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